Bugs, Snails and Puppy Dog Tails

Mood: frustrated
Thought: Oh good Lord what is WRONG with these people?
Song: Goodbye Caroline, by Aimee Mann



This morning, I had a near headbutting with a dear friend and client of mine. We all have issues..not a single of of us can say that there isn't something about a friend, co-worker or family member that would not make us want to slap them silly. I've overlooked my friend's antics ever since we met. She has some very big habits that I can definitely look past (although most people would not). For example, she is overly critical of her friends. If for any reason they don't do things exactly her way she is whining that they are "inconsiderate" or "selfish" friends. For anonymity purposes, we'll call my client "Mary" and we will call her friend, "Nicole". Mary invites Nicole over to her house for a week. Nicole is not the best housekeeper. She leaves dishes in the sink, for one. Secondly, when she makes coffee she leaves the french press full and on the counter all day...leaving the coffee grounds all over the kitchen counter. Was this rude on Nicole's part? Yes and no.

I call this "differences in lifestyle". Mary may be used to cleaning her house and living a very clean lifestyle. Nicole is not. When Nicole is home, she does not tend to her house. She may have maids, etc..or maybe she just lives like a pig. Should she be expected to change that just when she is staying in Mary's house? Mary, mind you, is a completely anally retentive super-woman who likes her house perfect. The point here is, Mary becomes completely pissed off at Nicole because of her sloppy and "inconsiderate ways", but she did not mind bending Nicole's ear until 3am regarding her failing relationship and how her life is so unfair.

Mary bends my ear about once a month, too, discussing how unfair things are for her since she is not with her man, and was not able to be with the man prior to him, and how life has dealt her so many bad cards. I am a counselor. Twice a month Mary has appointments with me regarding this. But the other two times, Mary is calling me as a friend, on my time and my dime. I listen, give advice, provide free services for HOURS, without complaint.

So it really confuses me when Mary picks me apart for the unintentional things I do that hurt her feelings; things that are a minor infraction for most people. Example, I sometimes forget to return her emails. And boy does she let me know I forgot about it. The times I forgot to email were during high stress periods of my life (childbirth, cancer, my dad's death and a hurricane). I forget Mary's birthday (no she has never remembered mine). I send audacious emails (forwards that I find amusing but she does not due to her general stuffiness).

For example, just the other day I sent Mary a forward that was so cute. The email was poking fun of computer mouse's via an animation of other animals. A rabbit and a guinea pig were trying to get online and couldn't figure out how so they had a live mouse and trying to get online via "clicking on him". The rabbit had his paw on the mouse and would press on his back. It was not working so the guinea pig said, "try dragging it", so he slid the mouse across the floor with his paw. That didn't work so the guinea pig said, "Oh! I know! We need to plug it in!", lifting the mouse by his tail. The mouse said, "Don't even think about it".

It was just a funny animation...I didn't mean anything by sending it, other than to make her laugh. I had forgotten that she adopts these huge animal rights laws. Mary, the girl who sweeps spiders up in her hands when she finds them and gentle carts them out the door without hurting them, was offended by my animated email. Her response was "Not funny. Don't send me anything at all about animals." I, however, am the type who loves to pet animals, but doesn't want them in my house or home. And if a spider crosses my turf, he's one dead spider (I'm terrified of them). I don't want his creepy, hair spider legs on my naked skin in bed while I sleep...so..out with Mr. Spider.

So my point in all this boring diatribe is that I am tired of friends who are annoying. I need to clean house...SOON. I don't have too many friends left to discard...but those "acquaintances" and clients of mine who generally love to consume my time with very little respect to who I am or what I am going through, here's a heads up: You're about to get dumped like yesterday's garbage. I am tired of people who:

1) Take without giving;
2) Call me and blab about their own problems for hours, but aren't there to pick up the phone and don't return my call when I need a friend in return;
3) Bitch and complain about silly offenses when I have unintentionally hurt them;
4) Are anally retentive about their house or mine;
5) Try to discipline my children;
6) Allow their children to act like little shits around my children or in public;
7) Gossip about me behind my back; or
8) Lie to me outright.

I deal with a lot people...but come on, there is only so much I can take here! If you fit into any of the above mentioned categories please just pop yourself in the head for me to spare me the trouble, and then don't expect your phone to ring with me on the other line anymore.

Over and out,
Pamela

Giving Thanks

Mood: Reflective,
Slightly Anxious
Thought: Why does today feel like Monday?
Song: Martha's Foolish Ginger (Tori Amos)


For the first Thanksgiving ever in my life, I was able to go and ENJOY the company, meals and reminiscing. I didn't think about who said what to whom, who was just backstabbing the very same person they were hugging less than 14 hours ago, who was really not welcome but showed up anyway, who thinks we don't take our kids to the doctors enough, who thinks we foolishly spend our money, who is mad at me because her husband is selfish and young, etc. etc. It wasn't because those thoughts did not cross my mind, it was just because I didn't care enough to allow them to ruin my day, my meal, my mood, my time off. I rarely get time off of work, and I enjoyed it. I didn't worry about the phone ringing and interrupting my meal, my conversation, my bath, my time with my babies. For TWO WHOLE DAYS I was able to wake up, cook breakfast for the babies, play with them...you know, go through the whole routine and ENJOY it. Normally I don't get time with my kids. They're home, but my phone is too busy ringing and the computer is too busy with clients who want my time. The moment I get involved with the babies, there's an interruption from one of my two businesses.

But...not today, and not yesterday. For two whole days I enjoyed myself and enjoyed the babies. I pondered over teething remedies with Huey and Granny, played with Stanley's dog, partied with my niece and her friends, got to know Ryan's girlfriend a good bit better, joked with Lisa over the fact that she finally bought some real sugar to serve with the coffee she made for us (normally she uses Spenda or Sweet'N'Low), took pictures of Richard swinging little Cole on Granny's swingset, played with the cats, sat on the floor with Aidan so I could teach him how to spin a top for the first time, talked to Sue about how advanced her little grandson is for his young age of three, laughed at little Kade for chasing Aidan around so he could hug him to pieces, enjoyed pecan pie, and so on and so on.


Thanksgiving this year, brought up all sorts of memories of childhood for me. It brought up the same lingering smells of baking cornbread in the kitchen, fresh pecan pie on top of the oven waiting to be devoured, turkey and dressing (and me picking out the onions one by one from the dressing), all the men congregated in the living room hovering around the television during the football game while the women were gathered around in the kitchen with the kids, laughing and sharing stories of their kids and grandkids.

I dropped the fears of my bills, the fresh speeding ticket waiting to be paid at home in my desk, the car insurance being late, that one client from two months ago who still owes me two hundred bucks....and I enjoyed being thankful. Thankful for the smiles on Aidan's cute little face when he saw Stanley's dog and exclaimed, "CAT!" in his highest pitched baby voice (indeed the little thing DOES look like a cat). Thankful for Cole's empathic ability to want to kiss everyone he sees, thankful for having a family with whom to share this special day, thankful for my capability to bring in as much money as I want (even if the bills eat it all up). Thankful for friends, family, clients, food, shelter...thankful for all the signs, smells, thoughts and feelings of LIFE as I know it.

Thankfully,
Pamela

For Parents: The Child Owner's Manual

This holiday season, my children and I may end up visiting my mother. My poor, hopeless mother who has raised two children of her own but has not dealt with toddlers since I was three years old. In any event I am not on said premises of my mother's land, I have left an owner's manual for her review:

1) Potty time. When you wake up at night to go to the restroom, drag toddler number one with you. You kind of have to shake him a bit to make him wake up. I have at many times resorted to turning him upside down, waving candy bars in front of his nose, stripping him completely naked and putting him in front of the air conditioning vents, etc....all just to wake him so he can "pee pee" in the toilet instead of his bed. If you don't follow this advice, you'll end with more fluid in the bed than a washing machine on heavy load;

2) Do not read toddler number one more than two books before bedtime. He may then assume you have lost the controller to the parental playstation that he has just found. A toddler in power equals time out for an hour. By then you may be forced to read Blue's First Birthday or Bear and the Big Blue House repeateadly until your ears explode;

3) Never, EVER leave toddler number two alone with the Cheetos. He will inhale that shit faster than you can say colon blow;

4) Make that when toddler number two awakes in the morning he is changed, fed, bathed and bottled. There is only one catch to this rule: it has to be done simultaneously. If not, he'll inflict his baby banshee screams upon you until you lock yourself in a dungeon never to return, or until he gets all the above things taken care of;

5) Never under any circumstances is toddler number two allowed to play his father's adult video games such as Socom3 or Recon. That accidentally happened once...and toddler number two proceeded to attend preschool the next morning to tell his teacher that he felt like "shooting someone";

6) Toddler number two should only be allowed to eat poptarts in his highchair. Otherwise he has been known to have poptart in his hair, inbetween his toes, in his nose, in his ears and in his diaper.

And don't forget to sing Twinkle Twinkle little star to both babies before bedtime. Toddler number one has to have a glass of water by his bed at night or he screams like there's a drought. Toddler number two has to be rocked but only for two minutes. Any less than that, he screams bloody murder...and more than that, he is going to bed with YOU because he cannot be pried from your arms after being rocked to sleep.

Enjoy!

Getting to Know Me

This Post is dedicated to Laurin and Angela, who are trying to "get to know me". Here are some random things about me that might help you in your eventful quest:

1) I love coffee. Peet's is my favorite, followed by Cafe Du Monde of NOLA and Gevalia. I love roasted coffee beans. I freeze them and then take them out every morning to grind up fresh before I put them in a French Press. There's no other way. My addicted is insurmountable;

2) I am the biggest baby talker in the world. Each of my two children have more than twenty terms of endearment, some of which are "pooter scooter", "baby roo", "Colie", "Coley Poo", "Aidan Roo", "Baby Butt", "Toddler Face", "Toddling Toddler" and "Baby Tyke";

3) My three year old uses curse words. Sorry, but I curse like a sailor; therefore I cannot break Cole from cursing, too. His latest addition to the swearing is, "Oh God" and "Holy Hell". God is going to smite me any day now;

4) My husband does all the housework. Isn't that grand!?

5) I love the show "South Park";

6) I watch Fear Factor (yes even when they had the worm slushy);

7) I pick at my hangnails till they bleed and never get manicures;

8) I wear my pajamas all day long until I have appointments with clients and have to go out;

9) I take baths, not showers;

10) I am very formidable when provoked. You guys see me as some very sweet little Mom who is empathic and compassionate. But if you piss me off you should promptly head for the hills;

11) Arkansas secretly scares the shit out of me, along with Bill Clinton. I was never able to get over the "pickeled jar" that Southerners keep on the shelves in convenience stores. What's in there, Laurin? I know I will potentially lose Laurin for this one, but I was very afraid when she asked me to come to Arkansas for a down home meal in the restaurant wherein one walks through the kitchen to get to the seating area;

12) Leesvillieans scare me. Living in Leesville, LA has it's own special challenges;

13) I am secretly afraid that Laurin's friend Amelia thinks I am the devil incarnated;

14) I am jealous of the close relationship Laurin has with her Mom;

15) I am jealous of the close relationship Angela has with her husband, Eric;

16) I secretly long to be thin, as I have naturally been all of my life until I had two babies;

17) I am secretly jealous of Angela's fabulous house and the fact that she lives in Massachusetts;

18) I love my work. Most people don't. But I love what I do;

19) My hair irritates the hell out of me. I am constantly cutting it, coloring it, hiding it..ugh;

20) I won't wear socks right when I lie down for sleeping, but once I wake up later in the night I must have socks so that my feet don't freeze. But then I tired of the socks and rip them off during sleep. There are several very clean pairs of socks around each corner of my bed at all times;

21) Sometimes I drink during the day. Once in a blue moon I will pour one single glass of wine or brandy around 12Noon just for relaxation purposes;

22) I miss my father. He passed away in March and it still feels like I just lost him yesterday. Sometimes you'll see smiles on my face but sadness in my eyes..this is why;

23) I live paycheck to paycheck. Every since the bout with cancer, the medical bills have been huge. Of course, being self-employed doesn't help since the IRS likes to take up to 50 percent of my earnings at any given time;

24) I haven't been able to fit into my pre-pregnant clothes yet. Don't ask..just don't ask. LOL!

25) I don't go to church. I believe that God is in nature, and lives within me;

26) I don't like to share the same bed with anyone, not even my husband. If you snore, toss and turn or take my blankets you're OUT of my bed. Therefore, I sleep alone;

27) I LOVE baby smiles. I live for them!

28) I love to laugh. You know the type of laughing sessions...I love to laugh at myself and others. A good bout of belly laughter is the best medicine ever;

29) I can't cook for shit. I burn water, even;

30) I have two very useless bachelor's degrees and one master's degree (Psychology and Music Perfomance)

31) I hated every minute of school and won't return unless it's vital and necessary;

32) I hate changing dirty baby diapers, and I am still not immune to the smell;

33) I tell people I am twenty-nine, as opposed to my real age of thirty;

34) People mistake my astrological sign Taurus, as Cancer or Pisces;

35) I haven't shaved my legs in two whole weeks;

36) I will only wear the most expensive perfumes, yet I use the cheapest soaps in the world. L'eau D' Issey by Issay Miyake is my favorite perfume but I bathe with Zest and Jergens;

37) I don't wear much makeup;

38) I have a half brother and even a real brother somewhere out there that I have never met;

39) My Dad died of lung cancer and liver disease;

40) Just about every family member of mine that has passed died with some form of cancer, heart or liver problem;

41) I have a potentially fatal heart condition that is yet to be treated;

42) I also have the biggest heart this side of the Louisiana border (emotionally that is);

43) Growing up people thought I was a snob, but in actuality I was just completely enthralled with music to the extent of obsession and had no interest in leaving my practice room;

44) I was a cheerleader in junior high school;

45) I was popular in high school;

46) I was a drum major in high school;

47) I had a secret crush on my husband during high school, even though we dated other people and not each other;

48) I've been married three times. PUHLEASE don't ask since one was an anullment and the other is, well...obviously a mistake;

49) I have sang in Carnegie Hall;

50) I won a scholarship to Eastman School of Music but declined it like an idiot;

51) My singing style is more like Jewel meets Beyonce;

52) I have more black friends than white ones and more single friends or friends without children;

53) People are often jealous of me for some unknown reason;

54) I do not prefer triangle friendships. Whenever I become friends with a friend who is already very close to another friend, said friend tries to "bring me into the circle". I prefer more intimate friendships, not "group friends";

55) I forget my friends' birthdays and even their children's birthdays;

56) I bite my fingernails; and

57) I don't gossip and I refuse to be around gossip in just about any capacity.