Baby Steps

Mood: Awakened, Mindful
Thought: A day at a time..
Song: Happy Phantom by Tori Amos

Yesterday was one of those days when I woke up in a funk. This is not unusual. Mornings generally stink in this household. This house embodies four non-morning people, all of them attempting to operate at even a low level of normal functioning in the a.m. is next to impossible.

We wake up because the children love to wake up at Oh-God-Thirty every single morning. We then stumble out of bed and run to make fresh coffee. Then we're scrambling eggs and bacon (the kids' favorite breakfast) and running to get them bathed and dressed. Hair is combed, teeth are brushed, medicine is administered, new school clothes are picked out of the closet for wearing, cartoons are watched and then one of them is out the door for preschool. The other is then down for his morning nap.

Something "snapped" in me yesterday; and as I am writing it is coming forth once again as a reminder for me. I began my standard morning rituals, got little Cole out the door for school and little Aidan off to sleep and then I sat there wondering. WHY was I just sitting there? I had my morning cup of joe, the kids were taken care of, but what did I do? I sat there and goofed off online for the next two hours. Why? Because I am in a funk lately.

I wake up, do everything for everyone else but myself..then I start working in my pajamas or sweats, working nonstop until I have to do more child duty or until a client needs me for something. A friend of mine was in this same funk a couple of years ago (Debra) and she emailed this wonderful site that dedicates itself to getting out of the funk...www.flylady.net
At first I thought, how is cleaning up my house going to help me with my life? I started the program the day before yesterday, following it to a tee. They give you ONE thing to do with your house a day..adding on a little more as you can handle a day at a time until you get a "routine" down.

The tip for day one was: Shine Your Sink. What? Do they even KNOW how many dishes are in my sink at any given point in time? You've got to be kidding. I did it..and two hours later there were so many dishes in my sink that it did not matter. Waking up the next morning the tip said, "Shine your sink again." ARGH!!!! Today's tip was "Get dressed to lace up shoes". I laughed at it, but did it anyway. And you know what? I felt GOOD!! My outfit wasn't the best, but I had done itl, bra and all.

That's when the wake up call sank in. Being in this tiny little town had started to sap my energy a bit. I thought back to the Las Vegas days and tried to remember my routines when we lived there. I woke up at 7, had breakfast and bath time done by 8, had Cole at preschool at 9, errands done 9:30 and was home and working by 10am. I worked until 4:40, then went to work out and had Cole retrieved from school by 6pm, dinner served and Cole in bed by 7:30pm sharp. Work then resumed, housework finished, then I would add a page to the kids' scrapbook or do another hobby I enjoyed until I finally fell asleep.

Nowadays the kids wake up at 8:30, we rush around the house trying to get them ready for the day, but they are normally not ready for anything at all until 10:30..around Noon I finally begin my workday without even having time to brush my teeth. Thank God I'm not a part of the corporate world; that just wouldn't fly (no pun intended for flylady).
I can't keep living like this...I need a schedule again and I need it badly or I'll be waving good-bye to what little sanity remains.

Yesterday it finally "sunk in". I woke up early, showered and dressed (kids screaming bloody murder in the background), made sure everyone else showered, brushed their teeth, etc., whipped up breakfast and had them out the door by 9:30. Hey it's a start so don't laugh! But you know what I felt good. I started working, got some appointments out of the way, cleaned up the entire house...hell I even shined that damned sink again. I can't keep letting life pass me by because I live in a town with no friends and nothing to do other than work. I got my whiny ass online, looked for a playgroup for the kids (by golly I found one, too), joined matchingmoms.org and made a new friend, emailed an old friend to offer help with her babies and even found a scrapbooking club in the area.

My point to all of this incessant mindless chatter is this: I need to live. Housework, errands and all....I need to breathe it all in. Living one moment at a time, one errand at a time, one sink shining at a time, one diaper change at a time, one client at a time..I can do this..I can do anything I want to do in my life (because my father said so). It's all coming together. My health seems to be slowly coming together (even though I have no doctor at the time), my kids are growing up, my life is coming to a place where I can start to have time to be me.

Quoting Tori Amos, "And if I die today I'll be the happy phantom...And I will never need umbrellas in the rain. I'll wake up in strawberry fields every dayAnd the atrocities of school I can forgive. The happy phantom has no right to bitch...." I want to live as if there is no tomorrow. I want to live each day to the fullest....and when I die I will have lived life in all of it's glory and enjoyed it to the fullest capacity.

Soak it all in people...life is what we make of it, a baby step at a time.

Signing off,
Pamela

My Sunshine Baby

Mood: Hopeful and Happy
Thought: I would do anything just for one baby smile.
Song: Sunshine Baby by Reamonn

Lately it has been next to impossible to get rest in this house. My little 16 month old teether is wrecking havoc in our home and inflicting his pain upon everyone who can stand to be around him. He wakes up frantic for food (because he is going through a growth spurt as well) and all hell breaks loose as we try to feed him, provide him with his morning bottle, change his diaper, rock him, feed him again, play with him and then try several attempts to release him into his crib for a morning nap. The nap only lasts for an hour, at which point his little banshee screams are heard all the way across the neighborhood as he shakes the crib apart wanting out...wanting more food...wanting yet another bath...wanting more toys, new toys, different distractions (like the cat's tail)...wanting it ALL.

Last night when my husband and I were awakened for the third time due to my little sunshine's ferocious teething (he's cutting five teeth simultaneously), I began to ask myself the infamous question, "Why did I have another child!?? What was I THINKING?" I began to think, "What if he grows up this cranky? What if this is not a passing stage? What if he becomes some awful, spoiled little brat? What if all his preschool teachers secretly hate him and all babysitters won't touch him even if I offered a 401K plan and three salary increases yearly with paid vacations"? What if when he visits relatives, they suddenly all become extremely "busy"? What if my mom "doesn't have room" in her new place for all of us? What if he becomes one of those little babies who kicks, screams and bites other babies?

All those thoughts diminished once he finally fell asleep on my drool-soaked shoulder. I listened to his little baby breath against the soft, plaid crib sheet as I slowly placed him in the crib. Then I watched his cute, tiny thumb slowly rise towards his mouth while his baby bum went straight up into the air as he snuggled into a tiny ball on his tummy against his favorite plushed doggy toy. Amidst everything going on in my life: hurricanes, illnesses, debt, loss of loved ones and friends and battling my health....this is the one constant. I peered over at little sunshine's brother, nestled in his covers in the bed across from the crib. He looked so peaceful and calm. Everytime I see their little eyes smiling at me, I see life, love and everything innocent and wonderful: they're my little rays of sunshine.

Now I remember what it's all about. Now when I am down about anything, I will look at these two little bundles of sunshine in pride and joy, remembering the words from Reamonn's song, "Sunshine Baby":

Won't you be my sunshine baby
in a world that's sometimes crazy
I see through my window I see through the trees
I'm watching the world as it falls on it knees
I hope for tomorow hope for today
I'm lost for the words with so much to say
No one can tell me answer me why
I'm watching the world as it's crashing me by
Can you see the reasons the ones that are true
tell me there's me and there's me and there's you
Won't you be my sunshine Baby
you know your words always save me
Won't you be my sunshine baby
in a world that's sometimes crazy
I see through my window the stars as they shine
I know in my heart that there's still enough time
To make a difference to make a change
To make a world where we're glad that we came
All that was righteous and all that was wrong
All that was written can be undone
Tell me the reasons and say that their true
Tell me there's hope and say that it's you
And I'm rooted like a willow Tree
I'm reaching out to the sea as you hold on to me
And I'm gonna stop the hands of time so the sun can always shine
and the world will finally see

Today's Vent: Metaphysicians and Mortals

Mood: Frustrated and Venting
Thought: Step off the pedestal, people and get with real life.
Song: How Am I Different by Aimee Mann


Two things are sticking in my head today like charbroiled eggs stuck to a twenty-year old skillet. And believe me, these two eggs aren't coming out until I pop them free from the frying pan of my brain with my useful spatula: BLOGGER.

Thought number one: Spiritualists who don't like "people". Hey! Becoming ordained and choosing to lead my life as a spiritualist was no tiny matter for me. That little piece of paper sought out by most spiritualists from the Universal Church of Life only for tax purposes, was for me a huge step. It represented the fact that I wanted to spend the rest of my life helping people. Soo....WHY in God's holy name would a spiritualist claim she is "tired of people's lives"?

A dear colleague of mine, who we will call Adriana (for confidentiality reasons) really let the big one slip during my last session with her. (Yes I pay other spiritualists to help me with my life. We have to be humble enough to accept help and keep our own lives straight before we can help other people). Adriana had asked to be on my mailing lists, and at one point in time, had claimed she enjoyed reading one of my very first blogs. So naturally, during a conversation with Adriana, I was using one of my blogs to give an example of a life situation I was experiencing at that particular time. My statement to her was something like this:

"I am having SUCH a hard time with my son Aidan and my patience is so short in the mornings. He wants me to do everything all at once before I have even had a cup of coffee. I am sure you understand since you read my blog". My once-respected spiritualist, Adriana, replied "Oh. No actually I have not and I will not. I have no interest in people's stories".

What. The. Fuck. That's the first thought that came into my mind. Do I expect her to read ALL of the blogs? No. But would I expect her to be a little more respectful about it? Absolutely! How about something along the lines of, "Oh actually I haven't read many of your writings because my life has been a little hectic." She could have said something that would not make me feel completely unimportant...something that would not put her on some holy pedestal with me, a mere mortal, under her feet. "Oh holy Adriana who doth not haveth time to read blogs hath no time for my sins". Good Lord people, if you are going to be a spiritualist, that is a commitment to PEOPLE. It's a commitment to their lives, to their stories, to their feelings, to their experiences...to their wonderful, aggravated, loving, sarcastic, meaningul LIFE STORIES!!

My work is not about the sessions my clients have with me, but the time before, after and inbetween. I would not be truly committed if I were not committed to that. So....do I call my clients on my dime? Yes! Each one of them has had some time from me that is free and outside of their paid sessions, whether it be via phone, email, snail mail or instant messenger. Do I remember their birthdays, the births of their children, their anniversarys and all special things? No. I would like to...and I do try. I do, however, hold a real interest in their LIVES..their stories, their daily routines, their jobs, their lifemates and heartbreaks. I want to know it all...every little piece of it, because it makes who they are. Each tiny, trivial piece of their lives is a little puzzle that helps me put it all together with them. Each piece is important to the bigger picture. Would I be a true spiritualist otherwise? NO!!!!!!

Thought number two: You metaphysicians of the world, get OFF your pedestals. I have met you at spiritual conferences, churches, seminars, etc. Some of you are my clients, but more importantly SOME of you were my friends, until recently. Mary, about whom I have spoken in another blog, had become a dear friend of mine. After more than two and a half years of Mary seeking my spiritual counseling and mentorship, we started exchanging our personal lives and we did indeed become "friends". But just like many other metaphysicians I have met, I noticed that Mary exhibited some "holier than thou" issues and had problems living in the real world.

Everywhere she moved, she had problems with neighbors, people in society, friends, family, etc. Her reasoning regarding the problems was "Oh, it's because I am a metaphysician and they are mere mortals. I am so tired of living my life around mortals. I refuse to date a mortal". For those of you that are not metaphysicians, I will explain Mary's terminology. Metaphysicians are people who hold some unusually strange beliefs; they are especially strange to most normal people. Mets believe they can manifest their own lives electromagnetically via energy. They believe everything is energy: your thoughts, your emotions, your house, your body...your partner. The believe God is The Universe and vice versa.

I am what I like to call a "metaphysician in training". I have experienced and believed partially in metaphysics for most of my life, but I also believe that some of it can be a bunch of hooey. We, as real, living, breathing human beings cannot walk around on the metaphysician cloud, expecting to be held exempt from real conversations wherein people expect us to deal with reality, taxes, mortgage payments, jobs, breakups, loss....from REAL LIFE. Mary, mind you, manages to escape real life every moment she can do so. Whenever a relationship does not work out, she blames the guy. "I had expected more from him. I thought he was on the path to becoming a true metaphysician. He is acting like a mere mortal!" Whenever a friendship goes awry, it's of course, "because they are mortals". When a deal falls through in her business, it's because of "mortals" blocking the path.

Well you know what Mary, and all you other pedestal-doning-wanna-be-metaphysicians? I am mortal, YOU are mortal, the collective society of this entire world is MORTAL. We are born from our mortal mothers, we breathe in our first breaths of human air from this MORTAL planet, and we all breathe that same mortal air until we die and leave this planet, as mortals. God does not come down from heaven and dub you "Mary the Metaphysician", thereby providing you special priviledges to keep you safe and holy and away from the rest of us. WAKE THE $%%^ UP! I do manifest my life and I take full responsibility for it, but quite frankly, any one of us can do that. It doesn't take Mary the Mighty Metaphysician to guide my mere mortal way. I married a mortal, I had mortal kids, my friends and clients are mortals. Yes, I am a metaphysician by calling, not because I was born one. This holds no special priviledges other than the gifts God bestowed upon me, and believe you may, those gifts can feel like burdens most of the time.

So...get off your pedestals and get with it, you so-called metaphysicians of the world. Dealing with mortals is a part of daily existence. Otherwise, what good would it be to be born human?

Stepping down off that soapbox,
Pamela the Partial-Metaphysician