War and Peace

Current mood: Crushed
Thoughts: How could I have been so naive?
Songs: My Weakness by Moby and Colorblind by Counting Crows

How could I have ever been so clueless, and why? My teachers and parents could never understand it: they acknowledged that I generally had very good grades in school and even passed the standardized tests well. Math was not my forte, but I got through it with some interest at least. However, there was one problem (and it was a big one). I abhorred HISTORY classes. During my first history classes in school I thought, "I can do this if I keep my focus". Focus was not a word I was able to apply (later I would understand why). The teachers talked about Presidents, Thomas Jefferson and electricity. We had classroom discussions about plantations, slavery and irrigation systems. I learned just about everything under the sun, and initially I did well with the knowledge.

Later, my teachers proceeded to discuss war and then peace, and then more war. During the very first mention of "war", I remember yawning more than twice every few seconds and then I did something strange: I went into a daze of distraction. I daydreamed: about my favorite toys, favorite friends, being a gymnast or ice skater, anything cotton candy coated and sweet. Each time any teacher talked about war, guns or crime from that point on, I did the same thing almost automatically: I went into a protective daze. If the teacher asked me a question I would make up the answer or even say something rude to distract her. I spent more time in detention or in the principle's office in first grade than any other student at school.

My parents had conferences about the issue, I was grounded a time or two, even held back a grade because of it. The teachers put me in a remedial class to see if that would help (even though I made A's and B's at that particular time). My mom had enough of that and had them test me and I passed with flying colors. I had no problem with tests, grades, school or teachers. My problem was something that no child could comprehend and very few adults wanted to know: I wanted PEACE.

Throughout the rest of my life I managed to avoid history classes: I took them and studied what I had to and barely made grades that would allow me to pass. I had to take all history classes in college TWICE because for some reason I couldn't bear to listen to it. Once out of school and into the real world, the same thing occured: if anyone talked about history I would point a deaf ear in their direction and go into another place in my mind.

No one could figure it out, not even myself! My mother somehow knew and understood, rarely chastising me for it. My father would say, "One day you'll get it honey. A light bulb will just go on in your brain and you'll want to know". I always imagined that to be something Dad said to pacify me and make me feel better about the situation.
I have been embarrassed to say that with the exception of the Holocaust, I cannot give you the dates or occurrences of any war or war-based scenario that has ever occured in our great country. I've been clueless. But as of yesterday, I learned why.

I married a republican: a hard core, gun collecting, President Bush supporting Republican. I have no issues with political stance because I've been so clueless regarding politics and always felt that one's political stance in life has very little to do with who they are in their souls. Even though guns make me uneasy, I found an unusual fascination for wanting to learn how they work and feeling the need for protection in an increasingly dangerous society. My husband was more than happy to oblige via teaching me how to shoot every single gun in his collection. Behind all of this was a fear deeper and more profound than any fear I have ever felt. The need to protect my family from a society who gobbles more booze and downs more prozac as each decade passes while teetering on the edge of terrorist attacks DAILY caused me to stomach my fears for years: until yesterday.

Yesterday my husband and nephew brought home a movie with one of my favorite actors in the lead role: Nicholas Cage. The movie is called "Lord of War". It followed the life of a gunrunner from childhood until the pivotal point in his career and life. As a young boy, Orlav (Nicholas Cage) had a fascination with guns but also found it increasingly important to protect himself (as I often do) during the Cold War. He found connections, became a gunrunner and became dramatically good at his job. He found schemes to pay off relatives in high places within the military and even had access to Intelligence to cover his rear in case he was busted with cargo. The more money he made, the more greedy he became.

As all of this was occurring, my first thoughts were: "Yeah? So what? They're just guns!" Then Orlav finally met the most challenging political connection in his life: the self-proclaimed President of Nigeria. The President was a cold-hearted killer whose soul lived only for money. At one pivotal point in the movie, Orlav's brother said to him, "Be careful with those things you sell. They kill: inside." That's when it hit me- HARD! In the following scene Orlav and his brother visited an area west of Nigeria to deliver two truck loads full of guns. They paid off the border guard and proceeded to meet with the president's connections to receive their diamonds in exchange for AK47s, the choice of killing at that time for Nigeria.

Orlav's brother happened to peer over the cliff where a tribe was being held captive by another tribe inside of more than two dozen tents. The men of the tribe appeared to have already been killed or perhaps lost their lives in a tribal war. Men who obviously belonged to another opposing tribe guarded the women and children to keep them inside of the tents. A child screamed in fear and ran out of the tent: he was probably no more than two years old. His horrified mother ran out to catch him and threw herself over his helpless little body to protect him. In less than ten seconds more than five men of the opposing tribe violently murdered the woman and her baby right there before our eyes. The brother ran back to Orlav to distract him from completing the deal. "Orlav, we cannot complete this deal. As soon as those men get these guns they're going to slaughter this entire tribe!", the brother screamed.

"This is none of our business...we're just here to sell guns. This is not our war", Orlav replies. The slaughter occured just like Orlav's brother predicted: with dozens of women, babies and children brutally shot right on the spot. I had been following the movie with some vague interest until this point, but then my eyes suddenly welled up in tears and I was "awake". For the first time in my life, I knew why I didn't want to know.

At the end of the movie, the gunrunner was busted finally by an FBI agent who had tailed him throughout the movie and wanted to get rid of all gun-runners in order to ensure the salvation of thousands of innocent children and women. This cop was a true humanitarian who had easily acquired my respect already. He glared at the gunrunner right in the eyes and said, "I live to put people like you behind bars. It's because of you that thousands of innocent young lives are taken every day- children as young as your own son!". The gunrunner returned his dead pan glare and replied, "The United States is one of the biggest gun-runners there ever was. They often need someone like me behind the scenes because the President's fingerprints on the guns might not look so hot for him. In a few minutes you're going to walk outside. There will be a soldier awaiting you who commends you on your fine performance and then asks you to release me."

The movie ends and we finally understand who is behind all the deaths: OUR OWN GOVERNMENT! <http://www.nisat.org> The entire U.N. is indirectly responsible for the loss of thousands of innocent lives. The movie ended and I expected some little popup warning that said, "The events shown in this film were purely fictional" or something of that sort. Instead the popup dictated, "This film was based on actual events". I gasped in horror and then silently walked into the restroom so I could cry without being seen by my husband and nephew. So many events flooded my brain: Rwanda in particular. I felt a mixture of guilt for having blocked it out of my mind for so many years, but then a deeper understanding of why I subconsciously did such a thing. My empathic sensitivity would not allow for my naive mind to comprehend such an atrocity.

I live in the biggest, strongest country in the entire world. But the freedom we so easily take for granted is not something I understood until recently. I enjoy it but at the same time I fear what goes on behind the scenes in other countries. I always wondered how and why Africa needs guns. When I saw children as young as my own oldest son holding AK47s and guarding the doors of their homes, my heart cried. Who supplied those guns? People from my own country! I'm appalled, heartbroken, and a little less dead inside regarding War and even regarding Peace.

Now I know, mind you, but a part of me wishes I did not. I part of me longs for that safe, candy-coated, naive place to which I used to retreat in my mind. The knowledge I subconsciously blocked out for the majority of my life is starting to seep through my mind and permeate my heart. What will I do with this knowledge? I'm not sure, yet. But my main question to myself is this: How could I have ever been so naively ignorant?

Goodbye 2005, Hello 2006

While 2005 was not the biggest year of my life, it was not a complete and utter disaster. Amongst the many rewards, there were just as many setbacks. It feels as if all balanced itself out in the end, setting me up for a happier and more productive life in 2006. Here are some memories I want to share about 2005 and my hopes for 2006:

2005 In Retrospect:

1) Aidan was born in July. Yes I know I know that was 2004, but it still feels like yesterday. After a quick and deliberate c-section, little Aidan arrived into this world at 8 lb. and 11 ounces and 20 inches, wide eyed and full of vocalizations. I've had the wonderful opportunity to watch him blossom into his own little individualized self. He's full of love, hugs, passion and zest.

2) Little Cole went to school: Cole goes to preschool full-time now and enjoys almost every minute of it. Some tears glistened in my eyes as I recall the moment I watched him walk to the car with that humungous backpack stuffed full of toys, books and his lunch. He stopped and smiled, then gave a wave and a high five to his Dad as they drove off to school. I've had the pleasure of watching him learn to jump into adult conversations with more finesse than some political figures even (no offense to George Bush meant).

3) I recovered fully from most health ailments. After the struggle of my life with Acute Myeloid Leukemia, I am now fully on track (well, almost). In 2006 I plan to be more committal regarding doctors visits, checkups and labwork. Time has not permitted such an option lately, but it WILL occur.

4) We left Nevada with a sigh of relief and a few tears: Leaving Nevada felt like it was the biggest challenge and also a huge financial relief. As condo and home prices continue to soar and the market rises while Californians flee their state to come overwhelm what once was my state, I am glad we're done with Nevada. I miss Cheryl, Melissa, Donna and a few well intentioned friends. But it was a huge hole in my pocketbook the entire year round.

5) For the first time EVER, I did not end up being chased by the taxman: This year I was savvy enough to record all expenses and didn't end up paying a dime! YAY! Don't worry, 2006 is going to bite me hard!

6) Two good clients became close friends. I lost their business but gained such wonderful friendships that I didn't regret the transition. These two acquaintances shall never "be forgotten." I welcome Cheryl and Alex into my life with love and gratitude.

7) The camera and me formed an even closer bond: It was a beautiful love affair that still continue to this very day. With camera in hand, I am finding so many new and wonderful ways to view the beauty of childhood, relationships, animals, nature and the entire world as I see it.

8) I learned the value of keeping my mouth shut! There were so many opportunities for me to get all pissed off and then to verbally go off on family members, friend, colleagues and coworkers. I started out the year with pissed off emails and affronts, but ended the year with a firm respect for living my own life regardless of others' opinions.

9) I learned the value of just being me. Despite the fact that I did not wish to confront people any further when they gossiped, outright LIED, denied their lies and then went to hide from me, I learned that it's ok for people not to like me. I joined a new playgroup this year and although I enjoyed all the members of the group, I was completely disliked and debunked by the group from the get-go. Was I disappointed? Yes. Was I completely and utterly pissed off and ruling out any future friends from new playgroups? No. I just dusted myself off after the rejection, reminded myself that everything happens for a reason, and moved myself right along.

10) I left behind all yahoo groups, chatrooms and useless online activities. I put so much time into meeting potential friends and business opportunities for myself and my children, that I had stopped putting time into my marriage and family. This stopped as soon as I learned what I was doing. The Internet can easily suck us in and help us forget about real life. The value of a good old fashioned handshake was once taken for granted by me: not anymore.

11) I learned respect for my culture. I spent my entire life running from who I was and from all aspects of being "Southern." Finally, after much deliberation, I let it set in. I didn't lose my intelligence in doing so, as I had feared. I've spent my life avoiding ignorance, rednecks and other aberrations of the South that I had forgotten the true dignity it takes to maintain traditions, morals and true Southern class. I have learned much from family here in this regard and won't forget the lessons even when we move this summer.

12) I lost my biggest supporter in life and one of my dearest friends, Dad. Christmas without him was the most difficult and painful one, yet. Every holiday, birthday or celebrated event is harder without his big, goofy self around to help remind me of the joys of laughter and what a constant sense of emotional support he was. As selfish as it is, I want him back. But I know he is looking down at us with pride and love. I know he is happier and healthier wherever he is.

All in all, 2005 was a year of renewed love, growth, difficult transitions, respect for friendship, respect for self and hard lessons learned all over again. I bid 2005 adios with great fervidity and look forward to 2006 with more nuggets of strength attached to my belt and more love to weather whatever storms await me.

In 2006, I look forward to: getting out of debt once and for all, home ownership, bringing the photography business into full fruition, moving once again to what I hope will be our final stop for at least a few years (Utah), watching my children grow into their adorable little personalities, acquiring new friends and leaving the past where it lies without regret or heartache, remembering my Dad but acquiring a newly found sense of peace about his passing, growing even closer to my husband, and exploring a whole new world of opportunities all over again.

Good-bye 2005...you won't be missed. Hello 2006....I won't be a sitting duck for you this year. I will manifest my own path regardless of what you hold for me.

Peace,
Pamela