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What I Want To Say...

List up to ten (10) things you want to say to ten (10) different people. Do not state who these people are. Do not confirm or deny any ‘comment speculation’ ...
Here are mine:

1) I am so proud of you. You don't think I see all the progress you've made but I have! Kudos to you on learning to speak your truth. I know sometimes we bounce off each other, but I will always accept you for who you are, just as you accept me. I accept your choices, your life, your emotions, your issues with body image, your crazy barking alien doggies, the way you run your life and your business. I think you're the epitome of truth and beauty both inside and out. You're who we all want to be if we really just let ourselves. I am lucky we found each other somehow. You're very see through--and I mean this in the BEST way! :)

2) Please let me protect you more and stop trying to grow so fast and so far away from me; I miss the child you were two years ago.

3) Please let me be who I am and respect me/love me for the powerful, spiritual, creative person I am. I know you don't understand the way I think, the way I dress, the way I furnish my house even... Think outside of the box that's around your own head and pull apart the wall around your heart that blocks me from you. Please allow me room to mess up; I like to mess up every now and then. When I write, sing, cry or take photos, don't criticize or ignore my creation(s), but point them out for their significance and value. Tell me how you see me as a person, not as who you want me to be. Then and only then can we be on the same team. Oh...and don't laugh at my couch. By the way, I want to see some happiness in your eyes like I did when we were teenagers.

4) Know that I love you for who you are, but I think that the expectations I put on you in your new role as _____ in the past four years has caused me utter disappointment. But that's my fault for having those expectations in the first place. I need to let you be in that role as you choose to be in it. But know that two small ones will one day ask who you are and will want to know you more..as you're ready I'd like to ask you if you'd let them know you as you have allowed me to know you, if you'll let them touch your soul as you've allowed me. They're worth it, and so are you.

5) I miss you so much. I cry alone before I sleep almost every single night when I think of you (I don't tell people this but it's true). I selfishly speak of you in the present tense, as if you were still here. I have to catch myself and say "He WAS a good person" and not "He is a good person". And when I catch myself doing that my heart catches in my throat and then I cry inside, and sometimes outside, too.

6) Wow what can I say to you? I helped you with the most important decision of your life and then it backfired in your face. While I know it was all meant to happen for some reason unbeknownst to us, my heart breaks for you during this transition. I know it will all change for the better and that the person who hurt you will actually regret it and come back, but until then I feel so damned responsible. I am so sorry....

7) Ok my girl, you're my sister even though we don't really look alike at all. Thank you for hearing my words and not what you want to hear but REALLY what I am saying to you. Thank you for just being you. Thank you for making me smile all the time. He doesn't know what he's missing yet, but one day he will, and when he does, I will LAUGH MY FREAKING ASS OFF when he tries to get you back and you have Mr. Right and your wedding invites sent off! It's been a long journey for both of us and I am happy to call you my friend. Hey, come kill my spiders for me. Everything is bigger in Texas, and you have the biggest heart around, so I guess Texas is finally the place for you! I love you!!! I saw a lady the other day in Wal-Mart who had a bird's nest on her head and I thought of your old boss...

8) You sat by my side from all the way across the world. You listening to my crying and dried my tears as bombs went off around you. You made me salivate when you talked about fresh fruit and made me laugh when you talked about that one pair of jeans that fall just a certain way on your man's caboose. I knew what jeans you were talking about, because I pointed them out the very first time I talked to you and YOU LAUGHED so hard; and that's when you knew I could understand you. You are one of only two people that I let hear or see my cry. I am not a good enough friend for you, but I am so grateful. I don't return your calls, not because I don't want to, but because your number is saved inside an AOL Folder somewhere and I keep forgetting it. And that truly is the reason. You never judge me, or the people I love, and you let me hear you cry, too! You understand my need for Brit Rock and crazy music. You don't criticize me for my glam rock days or for traveling all the way to So Cal just to see Robert Smith in his grungy lipstick. You think I am beautiful even when I was crying so hard I puked for three hours. You're the epitome of unconditional love and friendship. Thank you.

9) I dream of what you will look like when you arrive into this world. You want to know something funny that I will always remember? This is how I thought of you and decided for sure about your name: I was driving around looking for some coffee and found this wonderful place I had never seen before. I went inside and ordered a drink. This beautiful, young, doe- eyed, wise-beyond-his-years college boy walked out with his hair in his face and a smile in his eyes. He took my order...he smiled just to be smiling. He smiled just because life was good and it was a beautiful day. The smile oozed from every portion of his being and he was the epitome of who I know in my soul that you will be when you're his age. And I thought to myself, "Your name is Eli", which so happened to be the name on this angel's name tag. I can't wait to meet you. Every time you kick and move I feel so much joy to know you're alive and well. We're waiting; once you're done growing please do come join us....

10) Your heart is so full of compassion for everyone around you. I look forward to the day when you recognize that you also need some compassion and support. I miss you like mad. When I think of walk-through kitchens in small town restaurants, the pickled jar, smiling babies and Bjork, I think of you. Thanks for opening my eyes to what is already there in front of me. Thanks for seeing when I cannot. Thanks for reminding me of the simple things. You are the person I see as completely spiritually naive, beautiful in mind, body and spirit, and unadulterated by this cynical society. You remind me of who the person inside of me who wants to come out. Find you--again. You need this time to do this right now....

Ok I just have to add more!

11) Ok I know you don't trust me right now and I don't know why. I called you once at home to help out with something (for a session) and someone walked in your door. You never called me back; I worry about you. I'm worried now. Maybe you're working with jaguar woman again to help. Are you ok? Love you like a spiritual sister. I am not like other people in this world; I am not after all your hard earned cash, not out to con you or lie to you; just here to help.

12) We were once best friends but other people in our lives always break us apart. Someone once did this on my end and now someone is doing this on yours. When you're done fighting for your life inside of your heart, I will be here as your friend. Miss you ...miss your sarcasm and who you are....miss you letting yourself laugh.

13) We shared so many hard times in both our lives for a few years; I am eternally grateful to you from both the business perspective and the friendship perspective, too! Thanks for just being you; for being trustworthy, for being loving and kind. Thanks for always telling me the truth even when I ran from you because of it. Even though I still dance around the truth as you told it back then, you and I both know it's still there and the issues themselves are still there.

Drifting

Drifting

I can feel us drifting and it makes me sad
It's just a part of life I tell myself.
It's just a normality I tell myself.
But it sure feels empty

It's like when we were kids
Swimming in the ocean
together with our separate floaty-boats
The waves could pull us apart in no time

I look left and right,
The waves have caused me to drift
And I see you so far away
When just a moment ago you were at my side

And that's how life works
Next time, I tell myself
I'll grab onto the strings of your floaty-boat
To make sure we stay close

-Pamela Fletcher

Feast or Famine

After having woken up in a rotten mood (I didn't get enough sleep from the night before) I stumbled to my computer with cup of coffee in hand and checked my email. Little did I know the HUGE wake up call that awaited me there, in form of Kevin Carter's Pulitzer Prize Winning Photo shown on the right.

My first instinct was very maternal: I wanted to run with every bit of life within me and scoop up the dying child, carry her to safety and spend my entire life's savings on saving Darfur from hunger. What would that solve, politicians now argue? How would your sponsorship help millions of starving, hungry, dying children? It would solve the issue for one child. What happens, however, if I talk my loving neighbor, Mary, into sponsoring just one child for a year? And then what if she tells her mother and her mother sponsors just one child? That would save the lives of three children. Three children born into poverty and famine--three children that could have been my own if I were a female of child-bearing age in Darfur during this day and age of atrocities, genocide and civil war.

Oprah, I appreciate your three percent of your net worth. I am sure it helped, but three percent? These are your people---your blood. Do more, please! If I had your money, I'd had given at LEAST 15 or 20 percent! Bill Gates, I am ASHAMED at your less than three percent gift to Darfur! But if each of us sponsored one child each year, imagine, just IMAGINE what we could do in Darfur! When this picture was printed in the NY Times Magazine in 2004, next to it was a very juxtaposed ad of Cartier with some glaring diamond or set of jewels most of us could never afford. It only costs $150 per year to sponsor three children! So for the obvious 10 grand worth of a Cartier rock seen printed next to the dying girl who probably never even saw a fraction of that obscene amount of money some corporate big wig spent on his mistress's birthday rock, imagine how much we could do for Darfur if we really chose to do so! Why are we turning our heads, America?

We're getting fatter and fatter, richer and more avaricious than any growing country in the world. Why let children like this starve? My heart cries for Darfur. I beg each and every one of you, today, to consider all I've said and reach your arms out to sponsor a child in Darfur today. It costs less then your daily newspaper or cup of coffee. Together, we can make the biggest difference.

War and Peace

Current mood: Crushed
Thoughts: How could I have been so naive?
Songs: My Weakness by Moby and Colorblind by Counting Crows

How could I have ever been so clueless, and why? My teachers and parents could never understand it: they acknowledged that I generally had very good grades in school and even passed the standardized tests well. Math was not my forte, but I got through it with some interest at least. However, there was one problem (and it was a big one). I abhorred HISTORY classes. During my first history classes in school I thought, "I can do this if I keep my focus". Focus was not a word I was able to apply (later I would understand why). The teachers talked about Presidents, Thomas Jefferson and electricity. We had classroom discussions about plantations, slavery and irrigation systems. I learned just about everything under the sun, and initially I did well with the knowledge.

Later, my teachers proceeded to discuss war and then peace, and then more war. During the very first mention of "war", I remember yawning more than twice every few seconds and then I did something strange: I went into a daze of distraction. I daydreamed: about my favorite toys, favorite friends, being a gymnast or ice skater, anything cotton candy coated and sweet. Each time any teacher talked about war, guns or crime from that point on, I did the same thing almost automatically: I went into a protective daze. If the teacher asked me a question I would make up the answer or even say something rude to distract her. I spent more time in detention or in the principle's office in first grade than any other student at school.

My parents had conferences about the issue, I was grounded a time or two, even held back a grade because of it. The teachers put me in a remedial class to see if that would help (even though I made A's and B's at that particular time). My mom had enough of that and had them test me and I passed with flying colors. I had no problem with tests, grades, school or teachers. My problem was something that no child could comprehend and very few adults wanted to know: I wanted PEACE.

Throughout the rest of my life I managed to avoid history classes: I took them and studied what I had to and barely made grades that would allow me to pass. I had to take all history classes in college TWICE because for some reason I couldn't bear to listen to it. Once out of school and into the real world, the same thing occured: if anyone talked about history I would point a deaf ear in their direction and go into another place in my mind.

No one could figure it out, not even myself! My mother somehow knew and understood, rarely chastising me for it. My father would say, "One day you'll get it honey. A light bulb will just go on in your brain and you'll want to know". I always imagined that to be something Dad said to pacify me and make me feel better about the situation.
I have been embarrassed to say that with the exception of the Holocaust, I cannot give you the dates or occurrences of any war or war-based scenario that has ever occured in our great country. I've been clueless. But as of yesterday, I learned why.

I married a republican: a hard core, gun collecting, President Bush supporting Republican. I have no issues with political stance because I've been so clueless regarding politics and always felt that one's political stance in life has very little to do with who they are in their souls. Even though guns make me uneasy, I found an unusual fascination for wanting to learn how they work and feeling the need for protection in an increasingly dangerous society. My husband was more than happy to oblige via teaching me how to shoot every single gun in his collection. Behind all of this was a fear deeper and more profound than any fear I have ever felt. The need to protect my family from a society who gobbles more booze and downs more prozac as each decade passes while teetering on the edge of terrorist attacks DAILY caused me to stomach my fears for years: until yesterday.

Yesterday my husband and nephew brought home a movie with one of my favorite actors in the lead role: Nicholas Cage. The movie is called "Lord of War". It followed the life of a gunrunner from childhood until the pivotal point in his career and life. As a young boy, Orlav (Nicholas Cage) had a fascination with guns but also found it increasingly important to protect himself (as I often do) during the Cold War. He found connections, became a gunrunner and became dramatically good at his job. He found schemes to pay off relatives in high places within the military and even had access to Intelligence to cover his rear in case he was busted with cargo. The more money he made, the more greedy he became.

As all of this was occurring, my first thoughts were: "Yeah? So what? They're just guns!" Then Orlav finally met the most challenging political connection in his life: the self-proclaimed President of Nigeria. The President was a cold-hearted killer whose soul lived only for money. At one pivotal point in the movie, Orlav's brother said to him, "Be careful with those things you sell. They kill: inside." That's when it hit me- HARD! In the following scene Orlav and his brother visited an area west of Nigeria to deliver two truck loads full of guns. They paid off the border guard and proceeded to meet with the president's connections to receive their diamonds in exchange for AK47s, the choice of killing at that time for Nigeria.

Orlav's brother happened to peer over the cliff where a tribe was being held captive by another tribe inside of more than two dozen tents. The men of the tribe appeared to have already been killed or perhaps lost their lives in a tribal war. Men who obviously belonged to another opposing tribe guarded the women and children to keep them inside of the tents. A child screamed in fear and ran out of the tent: he was probably no more than two years old. His horrified mother ran out to catch him and threw herself over his helpless little body to protect him. In less than ten seconds more than five men of the opposing tribe violently murdered the woman and her baby right there before our eyes. The brother ran back to Orlav to distract him from completing the deal. "Orlav, we cannot complete this deal. As soon as those men get these guns they're going to slaughter this entire tribe!", the brother screamed.

"This is none of our business...we're just here to sell guns. This is not our war", Orlav replies. The slaughter occured just like Orlav's brother predicted: with dozens of women, babies and children brutally shot right on the spot. I had been following the movie with some vague interest until this point, but then my eyes suddenly welled up in tears and I was "awake". For the first time in my life, I knew why I didn't want to know.

At the end of the movie, the gunrunner was busted finally by an FBI agent who had tailed him throughout the movie and wanted to get rid of all gun-runners in order to ensure the salvation of thousands of innocent children and women. This cop was a true humanitarian who had easily acquired my respect already. He glared at the gunrunner right in the eyes and said, "I live to put people like you behind bars. It's because of you that thousands of innocent young lives are taken every day- children as young as your own son!". The gunrunner returned his dead pan glare and replied, "The United States is one of the biggest gun-runners there ever was. They often need someone like me behind the scenes because the President's fingerprints on the guns might not look so hot for him. In a few minutes you're going to walk outside. There will be a soldier awaiting you who commends you on your fine performance and then asks you to release me."

The movie ends and we finally understand who is behind all the deaths: OUR OWN GOVERNMENT! <http://www.nisat.org> The entire U.N. is indirectly responsible for the loss of thousands of innocent lives. The movie ended and I expected some little popup warning that said, "The events shown in this film were purely fictional" or something of that sort. Instead the popup dictated, "This film was based on actual events". I gasped in horror and then silently walked into the restroom so I could cry without being seen by my husband and nephew. So many events flooded my brain: Rwanda in particular. I felt a mixture of guilt for having blocked it out of my mind for so many years, but then a deeper understanding of why I subconsciously did such a thing. My empathic sensitivity would not allow for my naive mind to comprehend such an atrocity.

I live in the biggest, strongest country in the entire world. But the freedom we so easily take for granted is not something I understood until recently. I enjoy it but at the same time I fear what goes on behind the scenes in other countries. I always wondered how and why Africa needs guns. When I saw children as young as my own oldest son holding AK47s and guarding the doors of their homes, my heart cried. Who supplied those guns? People from my own country! I'm appalled, heartbroken, and a little less dead inside regarding War and even regarding Peace.

Now I know, mind you, but a part of me wishes I did not. I part of me longs for that safe, candy-coated, naive place to which I used to retreat in my mind. The knowledge I subconsciously blocked out for the majority of my life is starting to seep through my mind and permeate my heart. What will I do with this knowledge? I'm not sure, yet. But my main question to myself is this: How could I have ever been so naively ignorant?

Goodbye 2005, Hello 2006

While 2005 was not the biggest year of my life, it was not a complete and utter disaster. Amongst the many rewards, there were just as many setbacks. It feels as if all balanced itself out in the end, setting me up for a happier and more productive life in 2006. Here are some memories I want to share about 2005 and my hopes for 2006:

2005 In Retrospect:

1) Aidan was born in July. Yes I know I know that was 2004, but it still feels like yesterday. After a quick and deliberate c-section, little Aidan arrived into this world at 8 lb. and 11 ounces and 20 inches, wide eyed and full of vocalizations. I've had the wonderful opportunity to watch him blossom into his own little individualized self. He's full of love, hugs, passion and zest.

2) Little Cole went to school: Cole goes to preschool full-time now and enjoys almost every minute of it. Some tears glistened in my eyes as I recall the moment I watched him walk to the car with that humungous backpack stuffed full of toys, books and his lunch. He stopped and smiled, then gave a wave and a high five to his Dad as they drove off to school. I've had the pleasure of watching him learn to jump into adult conversations with more finesse than some political figures even (no offense to George Bush meant).

3) I recovered fully from most health ailments. After the struggle of my life with Acute Myeloid Leukemia, I am now fully on track (well, almost). In 2006 I plan to be more committal regarding doctors visits, checkups and labwork. Time has not permitted such an option lately, but it WILL occur.

4) We left Nevada with a sigh of relief and a few tears: Leaving Nevada felt like it was the biggest challenge and also a huge financial relief. As condo and home prices continue to soar and the market rises while Californians flee their state to come overwhelm what once was my state, I am glad we're done with Nevada. I miss Cheryl, Melissa, Donna and a few well intentioned friends. But it was a huge hole in my pocketbook the entire year round.

5) For the first time EVER, I did not end up being chased by the taxman: This year I was savvy enough to record all expenses and didn't end up paying a dime! YAY! Don't worry, 2006 is going to bite me hard!

6) Two good clients became close friends. I lost their business but gained such wonderful friendships that I didn't regret the transition. These two acquaintances shall never "be forgotten." I welcome Cheryl and Alex into my life with love and gratitude.

7) The camera and me formed an even closer bond: It was a beautiful love affair that still continue to this very day. With camera in hand, I am finding so many new and wonderful ways to view the beauty of childhood, relationships, animals, nature and the entire world as I see it.

8) I learned the value of keeping my mouth shut! There were so many opportunities for me to get all pissed off and then to verbally go off on family members, friend, colleagues and coworkers. I started out the year with pissed off emails and affronts, but ended the year with a firm respect for living my own life regardless of others' opinions.

9) I learned the value of just being me. Despite the fact that I did not wish to confront people any further when they gossiped, outright LIED, denied their lies and then went to hide from me, I learned that it's ok for people not to like me. I joined a new playgroup this year and although I enjoyed all the members of the group, I was completely disliked and debunked by the group from the get-go. Was I disappointed? Yes. Was I completely and utterly pissed off and ruling out any future friends from new playgroups? No. I just dusted myself off after the rejection, reminded myself that everything happens for a reason, and moved myself right along.

10) I left behind all yahoo groups, chatrooms and useless online activities. I put so much time into meeting potential friends and business opportunities for myself and my children, that I had stopped putting time into my marriage and family. This stopped as soon as I learned what I was doing. The Internet can easily suck us in and help us forget about real life. The value of a good old fashioned handshake was once taken for granted by me: not anymore.

11) I learned respect for my culture. I spent my entire life running from who I was and from all aspects of being "Southern." Finally, after much deliberation, I let it set in. I didn't lose my intelligence in doing so, as I had feared. I've spent my life avoiding ignorance, rednecks and other aberrations of the South that I had forgotten the true dignity it takes to maintain traditions, morals and true Southern class. I have learned much from family here in this regard and won't forget the lessons even when we move this summer.

12) I lost my biggest supporter in life and one of my dearest friends, Dad. Christmas without him was the most difficult and painful one, yet. Every holiday, birthday or celebrated event is harder without his big, goofy self around to help remind me of the joys of laughter and what a constant sense of emotional support he was. As selfish as it is, I want him back. But I know he is looking down at us with pride and love. I know he is happier and healthier wherever he is.

All in all, 2005 was a year of renewed love, growth, difficult transitions, respect for friendship, respect for self and hard lessons learned all over again. I bid 2005 adios with great fervidity and look forward to 2006 with more nuggets of strength attached to my belt and more love to weather whatever storms await me.

In 2006, I look forward to: getting out of debt once and for all, home ownership, bringing the photography business into full fruition, moving once again to what I hope will be our final stop for at least a few years (Utah), watching my children grow into their adorable little personalities, acquiring new friends and leaving the past where it lies without regret or heartache, remembering my Dad but acquiring a newly found sense of peace about his passing, growing even closer to my husband, and exploring a whole new world of opportunities all over again.

Good-bye 2005...you won't be missed. Hello 2006....I won't be a sitting duck for you this year. I will manifest my own path regardless of what you hold for me.

Peace,
Pamela

Baby Steps

Mood: Awakened, Mindful
Thought: A day at a time..
Song: Happy Phantom by Tori Amos

Yesterday was one of those days when I woke up in a funk. This is not unusual. Mornings generally stink in this household. This house embodies four non-morning people, all of them attempting to operate at even a low level of normal functioning in the a.m. is next to impossible.

We wake up because the children love to wake up at Oh-God-Thirty every single morning. We then stumble out of bed and run to make fresh coffee. Then we're scrambling eggs and bacon (the kids' favorite breakfast) and running to get them bathed and dressed. Hair is combed, teeth are brushed, medicine is administered, new school clothes are picked out of the closet for wearing, cartoons are watched and then one of them is out the door for preschool. The other is then down for his morning nap.

Something "snapped" in me yesterday; and as I am writing it is coming forth once again as a reminder for me. I began my standard morning rituals, got little Cole out the door for school and little Aidan off to sleep and then I sat there wondering. WHY was I just sitting there? I had my morning cup of joe, the kids were taken care of, but what did I do? I sat there and goofed off online for the next two hours. Why? Because I am in a funk lately.

I wake up, do everything for everyone else but myself..then I start working in my pajamas or sweats, working nonstop until I have to do more child duty or until a client needs me for something. A friend of mine was in this same funk a couple of years ago (Debra) and she emailed this wonderful site that dedicates itself to getting out of the funk...www.flylady.net
At first I thought, how is cleaning up my house going to help me with my life? I started the program the day before yesterday, following it to a tee. They give you ONE thing to do with your house a day..adding on a little more as you can handle a day at a time until you get a "routine" down.

The tip for day one was: Shine Your Sink. What? Do they even KNOW how many dishes are in my sink at any given point in time? You've got to be kidding. I did it..and two hours later there were so many dishes in my sink that it did not matter. Waking up the next morning the tip said, "Shine your sink again." ARGH!!!! Today's tip was "Get dressed to lace up shoes". I laughed at it, but did it anyway. And you know what? I felt GOOD!! My outfit wasn't the best, but I had done itl, bra and all.

That's when the wake up call sank in. Being in this tiny little town had started to sap my energy a bit. I thought back to the Las Vegas days and tried to remember my routines when we lived there. I woke up at 7, had breakfast and bath time done by 8, had Cole at preschool at 9, errands done 9:30 and was home and working by 10am. I worked until 4:40, then went to work out and had Cole retrieved from school by 6pm, dinner served and Cole in bed by 7:30pm sharp. Work then resumed, housework finished, then I would add a page to the kids' scrapbook or do another hobby I enjoyed until I finally fell asleep.

Nowadays the kids wake up at 8:30, we rush around the house trying to get them ready for the day, but they are normally not ready for anything at all until 10:30..around Noon I finally begin my workday without even having time to brush my teeth. Thank God I'm not a part of the corporate world; that just wouldn't fly (no pun intended for flylady).
I can't keep living like this...I need a schedule again and I need it badly or I'll be waving good-bye to what little sanity remains.

Yesterday it finally "sunk in". I woke up early, showered and dressed (kids screaming bloody murder in the background), made sure everyone else showered, brushed their teeth, etc., whipped up breakfast and had them out the door by 9:30. Hey it's a start so don't laugh! But you know what I felt good. I started working, got some appointments out of the way, cleaned up the entire house...hell I even shined that damned sink again. I can't keep letting life pass me by because I live in a town with no friends and nothing to do other than work. I got my whiny ass online, looked for a playgroup for the kids (by golly I found one, too), joined matchingmoms.org and made a new friend, emailed an old friend to offer help with her babies and even found a scrapbooking club in the area.

My point to all of this incessant mindless chatter is this: I need to live. Housework, errands and all....I need to breathe it all in. Living one moment at a time, one errand at a time, one sink shining at a time, one diaper change at a time, one client at a time..I can do this..I can do anything I want to do in my life (because my father said so). It's all coming together. My health seems to be slowly coming together (even though I have no doctor at the time), my kids are growing up, my life is coming to a place where I can start to have time to be me.

Quoting Tori Amos, "And if I die today I'll be the happy phantom...And I will never need umbrellas in the rain. I'll wake up in strawberry fields every dayAnd the atrocities of school I can forgive. The happy phantom has no right to bitch...." I want to live as if there is no tomorrow. I want to live each day to the fullest....and when I die I will have lived life in all of it's glory and enjoyed it to the fullest capacity.

Soak it all in people...life is what we make of it, a baby step at a time.

Signing off,
Pamela